LIFE _WORK BALANCE

A  lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he shrieked.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.

Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.

What does a squirrel do in the autumn? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work, think: would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.

1. It was like that when I got here.

2. I didn't do it.

3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your office before barging in front of them at the coffee machine.

A doctor is talking to his car mechanic, "Do you realise that your hourly rate is over twice what we get paid for medical care?"

"Yeah, but think of it this way, Doc. You only have two models that haven't changed since Adam and Eve. But every month we need to learn the latest systems! Come to think of it Doc you and me we are alike you operate on people I operate on machines. You get some one with a heart problem you can operate and take out his heart and fix him up. I get a machine that will not run and I can take out the distributor and fix him up. Very much the same you and me."

CONSULTANT FOCUS

Three people escape from prison. In their previous lives one had been an engineer, the other a marketeer and the third a consultant . They run for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decide to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climb up, they find three large gunny sacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy come into the barn. The sheriff tells his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he gets up there the sheriff asks him what he sees and the deputy yells back, "Just three gunny sacks."

The sheriff tells him to find out what is in them, so the deputy kicks the first sack, which had the engineer in. He goes, "Bow-wow", so the deputy tells the sheriff there is a dog in it.

Then he kicks the sack with the marketeer in it. She goes, "Meow", so the deputy tells the sheriff there is a cat in it.

Then he kicks the one with the consultant in it, and there is no sound at all. So he kicks it again, harder and again. Finally the consultant says, "Potatoes."

CYBERSPACE DISADVANTAGES

Link Rot   The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die.

Chip Jewellery    A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewellery."

Crapplet    A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"

Plug-and-Play    A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."

World Wide Wait    The real meaning of WWW.

CGI Joe    A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Dorito Syndrome    Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

Under Mouse Arrest    Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."

Glazing    Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"

404    Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."

Dead Tree Edition    The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."   

Egosurfing    Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.

Graybar Land    The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."

Open-Collar Workers    People who work at home or telecommute.

Squirt The Bird    To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"

Brain Burp    A bi-product of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain burp on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

Cobweb Site    A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.

It's a Feature    >From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.

Keyboard Plaque    The disgusting build-up of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."

Career-Limiting Move (CLM)    Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. - Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Elvis Year    The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."

Alpha Geek    The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Adminisphere    The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Tourists    People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."

Blowing Your Buffer    Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"

(Also used as "Head Crash")

Gray Matter    Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.

Bookmark    To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."

Nyetscape    Nickname for a less-than-full-featured Web browser.

Beepilepsy    The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Salmon Day    The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get nowhere in the end.

Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.

• Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
• Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
• Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
• Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
• Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
• Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight).
• ..50-300
• Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
• Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
• Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
• Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
• Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
• Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
• Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
• Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25

• Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
• Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
• Blowing your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
• Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
• Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
• Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
• Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12
• To which you may want to add your own favourite activities,
• including:
• Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
• Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
• Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
• Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
• Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
• Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6
• Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2