BEST BUSINESS JOKES
Laugh your way to Project Delivery
Laugh your way to Project Delivery |
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 PROJECT MANAGERS - MENTAL ATTITUDE IS
EVERYTHING!!!
If you get in my way, I'll
kill you! - ideal project manager |
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Outside the box!
The manager of a large corporation had a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go to a farm in the country to relax for several weeks . The manager agrees finds a nice farm with a nice room over the barn and installs himself in it bed facing the window with a view of rolling pastures. After a couple of days the manager becomes very bored, so he asks the farmer to give him something, any job to do. The farmer tells him to clear a huge area covered in the shit from his cows. The farmer thinks that to somebody coming from the city, working their whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but to his surprise the manager finishes the job in less than a day. The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer's sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done. The third morning, as now, most of the jobs in the farm had been completed, the farmer asks the manager to divide a bag of potatoes into two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer finds that the manager was sitting with his head in his hands in front of the bag of full of potatoes, both boxes empty. The farmer asks the manager: "How is that you did such difficult jobs so easily in your first few days but now you can't even start this simple job?" The manager looks up and answers in a distraught voice, "Listen, all my life I've been cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now, now you ask me to make decisions."
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ONE SMALL LEAP . . .
  A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. he looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. But, I can only grant one." The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. But, I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Aeroplanes are much too frightening for me. And on a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to make my hierarchical organisation agile and flexible. I want to know what to do to make people feel involved and empowered. How to make us focus on our customers and key suppliers instead of just pretending to. And how to make our work count so that we don't have to spend all our time working on pointless reports budgets and sitting in boring meetings. Basically, move us into the New World." The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?" |
ENTREPRENEURISM
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In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with
no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to
work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. In prison you spend most of your life looking
through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time
wanting to get out and inside bars. In prison you can join many programs which you can
leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. |
Prison vs. Work In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behaviour. At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained. In prison you get your own loot. At work you have to share. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends. In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have bad managers.
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FAIR = DIFFERENT A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. |
The frog
then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay
with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool. |
| GUESS WHO? I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead! A family are having a house built for them. The project is nearing the end and the one of the parents is discussing final issues and snags with the contractor. Parent: "There are a few issues we need to discuss." Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?" Parent: "Uh, yeah....the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated." Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date." Parent: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there." Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker." Parent: "Stacker?" Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment centre on the couch....the chairs on the table....etc.. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture, you can unstuck what you need and then put it back when you're done." Parent: "Uh......I dunno.....Issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way." |
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs." Parent: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?" Contractor: "That's easy! Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system." Parent: "You're kidding!?" Contractor: "Nope. It's the only way." Parent: "<sigh> Well....I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work." Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures.." Parent: "And how do I fix that?" Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, and turn off the water at the street. Turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you can get back to work." Parent: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?" Contractor: "Hey. If you don't like it, nobody made you buy it." Parent: "And when will this be fixed?" Contractor: "Oh, in your next house - which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays......" |
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Copyright Pentacle 2011 Eddie Obeng
1994 All rights reserved
